I feel so sentenced by your words,
I feel so judged and sent away,
Before I go I've got to know,
Is that what you mean to say?
Before I rise to my defense,
Before I speak in hurt or fear,
Before I build that wall of words,
Tell me, did I really hear?
Words are windows, or they're walls,
They sentence us, or set us free.
When I speak and when I hear,
Let the love light shine through me.
There are things I need to say,
Things that mean so much to me,
If my words don't make me clear,
Will you help me to be free?
If I seemed to put you down,
If you felt I didn't care,
Try to listen through my words,
To the feelings that we share.
The concrete actions we
observe that affect our well-being
How we feel in relation
to what we observe
The needs, values, desires, etc.
that create our feelings
The concrete actions we request
in order to enrich our lives
|Communication||Example of observation with evaluation mixed in||Example of observation separate from evaluation|
|1. Use of verb to be without indication that the evaluator takes responsibility for the evaluation||You are too generous.||When I see you give all your lunch money to others, I think you are being too generous.|
|2. Use of verbs with evaluative connotations||Doug procrastinates.||Doug only studies for exams the night before.|
|3. Implication that one's inferences about another person's thoughts, feelings, intentions, or desires are the only ones possible||She won't get her work in.||I don't think she'll get her work in. or She said,“I won't get my work in.”|
|4. Confusion of prediction with certainty||If you don't eat balanced meals, your health will be impaired.||If you don't eat balanced meals, I fear your health may be impaired.|
|5. Failure to be specific about referents||Immigrants don't take care of their property.||I have not seen the immigrant family living at 1679 Ross shovel the snow on their sidewalk.|
|6. Use of words denoting ability without indicating that an evaluation is being made||Hank Smith is a poor soccer player.||Hank Smith has not scored a goal in twenty games.|
|7. Use of adverbs and adjectives in ways that do not indicate a evaluation has been made||Jim is ugly.||Jim's looks don't appeal to me.|